Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Worst Native American name ever.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
You sure about that?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”