Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”