Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.