Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

I can also cook 😂

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.