BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
You Might Also Like
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
My favorite farside!!
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.