BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
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[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water