BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

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[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away



I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.


me: pavlov’s dogs were so dumb lol. drooling cuz you hear a bell? what’re you, hungry for bells?

uber eats: zero delivery fee on taco bell orders over $30 for the next 3 minutes

me: i could really go for precisely 17 crunchwrap supremes immediately


[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]

I know Twitter, I know.

That’s why I’m here.


In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny


Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.


My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.


My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.


I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.