Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
me: pavlov’s dogs were so dumb lol. drooling cuz you hear a bell? what’re you, hungry for bells?
uber eats: zero delivery fee on taco bell orders over $30 for the next 3 minutes
me: i could really go for precisely 17 crunchwrap supremes immediately
[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]
I know Twitter, I know.
That’s why I’m here.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My plans: 2020:
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.