BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
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What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
japanese corn
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Spring of Deception
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.