Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.