Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

Encore…

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at