Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

Wednesday

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

#Caturday

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.