Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
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we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.