Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!