Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back
Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later
Me: Perfect, send it
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.