Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
You Might Also Like
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
bias laundering edition
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!