Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
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The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus