bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
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one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ