bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
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took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
🤣🤣🤣
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
🤣
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.