bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
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As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.