@charbroil_chew

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

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@lisaxy424

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

@pakalupapito

lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were

@bourgeoisalien

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

@Molly_Kats

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

@ArfMeasures

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board u
ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Oh shit

@mstluvstrinkets

The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.

@Contwixt

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

@SkippyMcGizzard

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

@jonnysun

lets play cops & robbers!
ok! i’ll be robber!
i’ll be cop!
*robber hides*
*cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*