bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
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i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
sin harder.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.