My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
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lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were
My first language is typo.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board u
ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Oh shit
The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
lets play cops & robbers!
ok! i’ll be robber!
i’ll be cop!
*cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*