bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
adam and eve had first world problems
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
car not found
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me