Bitcoin. Toothurt.
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Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
“No way.” -Jose
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
In case you needed to hear it:
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I didn’t realize that was an option
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.