Bitcoin. Toothurt.
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Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
i’m sure it’s fine
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
My wife gives the best headache.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.