Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Need WebMD
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Never be a pizza!