Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I can also cook 😂
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.