Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.