*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
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“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.