*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
me refusing to leave twitter
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control