*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
How do you like your Corgi?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.