*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
You Might Also Like
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.