Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.