Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

What if the weather talks about us?

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol