*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth![]()
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If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
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Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Every work call, he judges.
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.