*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
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Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Did a trash talking tree write this?
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Just had my nails done!
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”