Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

🤝

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

Taking phone security to the next level.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.