Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.