*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?