*bites zombie*
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*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
i just found this in my phone
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴