Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.