Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

definitely did not do anything wrong

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back