[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
You Might Also Like
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Tuesday
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
me when somebody idk start touching me
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.