[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
“TGIM!” – My liver
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.