[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
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I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
won’t smith
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows