*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.