*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
6. me as a lawyer
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
meanwhile over on facebook
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats