“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
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Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye