“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
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Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
6: are snakes just neck?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
i want to work in this restaurant
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors