Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario

My driving instructor: no worries brother

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*

eyes: *water*

*looks like I’m crying in meeting*

me: yeah this is better

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk