Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
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The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I identify as an antique shop.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.