Spa day..😅
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Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.