@TheToddWilliams

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

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@canadasandra

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

@TheBoydP

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

@Mr_Bum_to_You

I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.

@pixelatedboat

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

@ieatanddrink

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

@leapeajo

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

@newLettuce

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

@FeralCrone

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

@geowizzacist

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

@Parker_Simpson

Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about