Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.