Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Ghost costume 😂
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question