Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
cause of death:
autopsy.