Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.