“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
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People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
How it started: How it’s going:
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My retirement plan is to become a cat.