Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Potatoes were such a good idea
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.