It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
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I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
How it started How it’s going
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
“What movie?” 🤔
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.