Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
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Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.