Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
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how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
the three branches of government
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Today I’m going to give it my almost
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
they really do be looking like this
