Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Watermelon Boss!
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Put a ring on it
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh