Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati