Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money