Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol