Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
