Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
this is the kind of friend i am
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there